Lady of the Ring:AFangirl'sRompThroughWonderland
by Ehren Hatten
Summary: Meet Frodo. He's just come across a girl that claims to be an Istari wizard . Meet Isolt The Black. She's psychotic. She wants a ring called the ring of giddyness and stupidity. From the depths of my perverse sense of humour, join these crazy people on a
1. A Nice Distraction From The Sky

_**A/N: WARNING!!: PLEASE DO NOT TRY TO PUT LOGIC TO THIS! DOING SO WILL RESULT IN MAKING YOUR BRAIN SHUT DOWN.**_

_**Welcome... inside the mind of a sleep deprived author who is on the verge of insanity.**_

**Lady of the Ring**  
_or_  
**A Fangirl's Romp Through  
Wonderland**

_Part One_

Frodo Baggins walked along a nice river, talking to his rapidly aging uncle, Bilbo Baggins. They walked along until the powers that be decided to toss down some distraction in the form of a pale figure with red hair.

"What the!" said Frodo.

"Hush, Frodo! I think it's moving!" said Bilbo as he pointed with his cane.

It was a woman in amongst the mass of wild red hair. She was stark naked and long boned. "Is it?" said Frodo, who had taken to not finishing his sentences.

"It is a woman..." Bilbo said calmly.

The woman was breathing steadily, like she was sleeping. She didn't even register having been thrown with such force as the hole in the ground had indicated.

"What is a woman doing here..." said Frodo, who had now regained the ability to speak in full sentences. His blue eyes roved over the long, white body and he blushed slightly. She was rather pretty.

"She be-ith a very strangeth woman..." said Bilbo.

"Dude... why are you talking like that..." Frodo said with a side glance at his uncle.

"Because I want to..."

Then, the woman sat up. She blearily looked around and saw Frodo and Bilbo in front of her. She smiled and yawned at the two. "Hello... My name is Dervla... can you tell me where I am?"

"You are in the land beyond the sea, ma'am..." said Bilbo.

"Land beyond the sea?" She stared at them with a completely blank look. "What's a sea?"

Frodo, who had tripped at her remark, got to his hobbity feet and sighed. "It's a big body of water that surrounds part of Middle Earth..."

The woman stared at Frodo for a second. Then, she grabbed him and pulled him into a squishy hug. His face was firmly planted between her breasts. "You are soooo cute!" She giggled.

"Ma'am..." was his muffled cry. "Ma'am! Please let me go!" He said as he tried furiously to get away from this naked woman.

"Oh! I just remembered why I'm here!" Dervla let go of Frodo and stood up. She was as tall as an elf and almost as elegant looking. Her wild red hair tumbled around her. "Can you two take me to your leader!?" she giggled.

"Certainly, your nakedness!" said Bilbo with a wolfish grin.

The three peopled troupe walked along the river silently. Dervla stopped every now and then to point to something and gleefully shout, "That's so pretty!" and "What a cute (insert object or animal)!"

Meanwhile, in the trenches of Mordor, a small band of Orcs sat around a fire eating some roast spider. "MM! Good!" said one orc.

"Good! Very Good!" said the second.

"Yes... it was indeed very good meat, but I must say that we need to bring in some decent conversation..." said the third who wore a pair of glasses as he read from a book. The other two orcs stared at him for a second and shook their heads at him.

"Pete getting strange!" said the first orc.

Suddenly, the sky broke open and lighting crashed around them. Something fell from the heavens. A whitish figure hit the darkened ground. It didn't move for a minute and then, it stood up, laughing maniacally. It was a woman with incredibly long, black hair and very large, yellow hawk's eyes. She was completely naked.

"FEAR ME, FOUL CREATURES! FOR I AM ISOLT THE BLACK! FEAR ME! FEAR ME!" she shouted in a booming voice.

The orcs looked at eachother and shrugged. Isolt growled, pointed her finger at one orc that had not spoken earlier and lightning struck him. Pete the orc stared at the place where a fellow comrade had been. It was a pile of black ash.

"Me think we should fear!" said the second orc.

"Me too!" said the first.

"I concur!" said Pete.

"GOOD! Now tell me! Where is the one ring of Stupidity and Giddiness!" Isolt growled at them. "I must have it! I can control the world with it! HO HO HO HO HO!"

"What be this ring...?" said the first orc.

"Never you mind! I shall use you all for my evil doing!" she said with a wide, evil grin on her incredibly pale lips. She pointed to the sky and growled. "Cue the fricken evil doing music, damn it!" Then, creepy, evil doing music played and Isolt the Black was happy.

When the Baggins' and Dervla reached the palace of the elves, the women gleefully took Dervla in and she was dressed in some clothes and her hair was given a royal treatment. Meanwhile, Frodo and Bilbo were cornered by Elrond.

"Who is this woman? Did you pick her up from the sea?" He said.

"She droppeth outeth of the skyeth, sireth!" said Bilbo.

"Stop talking like that!" cried Frodo.

"Well... this is certainly something to look over..." Elrond said. Of course his brain was coming up with some perverted things he could do with the newcomer. "What is her name? I don't think I have ever seen such a woman before."

"She said it was Dervla..." said Frodo.

Elrond sputtered for a moment. "N-Not DERVLA the RED!" Then, he suddenly stopped and thought a moment. "How do I know that name. She wasn't in the trilogy..."

"What?"

"Nothing..."

"That's right! My name is Dervla the Red!" came the bubbly voice of Dervla from out of no where. She rounded the corner and giggled. She was wearing elvish robes of black and red. Suddenly, though, she wasn't as tall. She was the same height as Frodo.

"What the!" said Frodo, who was now speaking in incomplete sentences.

"Wow! Like... I'm the height of you!" she said to Frodo. "What are you anyway..."

"I'm a hobbit... we're all like this..." he said to her. "Except I'm the tallest they have ever seen because the man who plays me is taller than the other hobbits."

"That's so cool!" she giggled.

"Why areth you hereth..." said Elrond.

"STOP TALKING LIKE THAT!" growled Frodo.

"Um... I don't know... I think it has something to do with some ring called the ring of Giddiness and Stupidity..."--evil doomsday music played for a second.-- "It's the only one of it's kind!" she said.

"The one ring of giddiness and stupidity..." said Frodo.

"Yeah! And I'm supposed to bring along someone called Frodo Baggins into Middle Earth to find this ring. I'm also supposed to bring in two more before we are done..." she said in her cheerful voice. "But I'm sure I'll find them soon enough!"

Frodo stepped toward her, his blue eyes catching her red ones. He had not noticed them before, but now he saw them. They were both frightening and beautiful. Strange, lovey dovey music started playing suddenly. "Where is that coming from..." he said. The music came to a screeching halt.

"My name is Frodo Baggins..." He said to her.

"Really?!" She giggled and jumped up and down in glee. "YAY! We can go find the ring now!"

"But what about us? Why are we in this at all?" said Elrond and Bilbo in unison.

"You two don't matter anymore..." She said gleefully and zapped them out of existence.

"My uncle! Lord Elrond!" Frodo cried.

"Don't worry about them! They'll be fine when all this is over!" Dervla giggled. She grabbed Frodo's hand and dragged him out of the palace. "Onward!" she cried as they walked toward the sea even though she had no clue where the hell she was going.

The three orcs and Isolt the Black were traversing through the evil lands, so marked by the many signs made by an industrious Golum. "Evil land, here is, creatures! My home now! Go back!" he said in his usually scratchy, nails on chalkboard voice.

"You! Creature!" Isolt demanded with a pointed finger at him. "Why make all of these signs!"

"Because Golum don't have anything better to do..."

"Golum be fool!" said the first orc.

"I concur... he could go to some nice darkened hole instead of stay here in these lands..." said Pete the orc.

"Let's eat Golum! Might be good!" said the second orc.

"Yes! Let's! I rather enjoy eating trillion year old hobbit..." said Pete as he smacked his lips.

Golum jumped up and ran away, dropping his hammer and nails along the way. "Golum go now! ACK! Golum must flee before he is fried up as food for the three orc stooges!"

"Never trust a man who speaks of himself in the third person..." said Isolt as she licked her now painted black lips. Then, she stepped onto a rock and shook her fist up at the heavens. "Now! Onward! Onward to the mainlands to find the ring! BWAH HA HA HA HAHA!"

Dervla and Frodo got off of the ship that sent them back into Middle Earth. Frodo set his hobbity foot on the shore and looked at the land. Dervla came up behind him in the elvish clothes that she had been given. He looked at her and smiled. "It's been a while since I was here last..."

"Oh good! You can be my tour guide!" she giggled as she looped her arm through his and smiled cheerfully at him.

They walked along into the woods. "You did think to bring food and supplies with you, right?" Frodo asked ten minutes later.

"Oops..."

"You forgot our supplies?! How are we supposed to eat or sleep on this wild journey that you're forcing me into!" Frodo said with irritation.

Dervla, who being the same height as Frodo, looked rather odd as she sheepishly dug her booted toe into the ground. "Sorry..." she said quietly. She resembled a child at the moment.

He sighed. "Okay... tell me one thing... what exactly are you...?"

Dervla didn't look up at him. She dug her toe into the ground and swayed slightly with her hands behind her back. Her long red hair swung with her. "I... I'm a wizard..." she said.

"You don't look particularly mannish to me..." Frodo said as he stated the obvious.

"I'm an Istari... I was sent on a mission to find the one ring of stupidity and giddyness and take it back..." she said. She still didn't look at Frodo.

Frodo sat down on a log. "I wish Sam was here..." He sighed. "What does this ring do, exactly..."

She looked up at him finally. "Well... whomever wears it can make whomever they want stupid enough for them to follow the ring bearer... I think..."

"So it doesn't change much..." Frodo said. He stood up and stretched. "Well... if you are a wizard, like Gandalf... shouldn't you have a staff?"

It was like someone had punched the information control panel in Dervla's head. "That's right!" she gasped. "I'm supposed to have a staff! I knew I had forgotten something on the way down."

Frodo sighed. "What else have you forgotten...", Frodo paused for a moment, "Stupid question..."

"Oh no! The ring is affecting you now! And we don't even have it!" Dervla jumped over to Frodo and grabbed his face in her hands. "Wake up, nice little creature! Wake up! The ring is trying to take control of you!"

"Let go of me! I'm fine!" He grabbed her hands and tried to pry them off of him. He finally wrenched her off of him and jumped away from her. "YOU however..." he said, taking to not finishing his sentences again.

"Now stop that! I do too finish my sentences!" he cried to the narrator. Ooops! That's me!

"So what am I to do about a staff? I have to make one, but out of what?!" Dervla said weakly.

"Like I know! Gandalf just carried around his staff... it was made out of wood. Then, I think it changed when he became Gandalf the White." Frodo started thinking. "Maybe you can ask for one..."

"Alright..." She stretched her hands to the heavens. "Oh mighty Powers That Be! Let me have a staff borrowed off of the set of the Return of the King movie! It should be cooler than that of Gandalf the White for he was a shabby old geezer!"

Lightning struck the ground in front of her and Gandalf appeared. "I am NOT just an old geezer!" He said and hit her over the head with his staff. Then, lightning struck and he disappeared.

"Okay! Okay! I'm sorry! I didn't mean an old geezer!" Suddenly, she had shrunk slightly. She now up to Frodo's collarbone. "I said I didn't mean it! Ack!" She fell over a root and landed hard on her rear. "Why'd I have to shrink again...?" she whimpered.

Frodo sighed and walked over to her, holding out a hand to help her up. She took it and rubbed her rump painfully. "I guess that answers your question then, doesn't it..." Frodo said. "Come on... I know a place we can go..."

The three Orc stooges and Isolt walked along in a section of wood that they didn't know. "You there!" Isolt pointed to the second orc. "Where are we!"

"We be in wood of legendary singing orc princess!" he said.

Suddenly, A blonde elf flew at the second orc and banged it's head on the ground as if to emphasize every word he said. "I (bang!) Am (bang!) Not (bang bang!) A (bang!) PRINCESS! (Bang!)" He growled.

The second orc coughed weakly. "Okay..."

The blonde elfin man stood up and kicked the orc angrily. Isolt grinned evilly and licked her painted black lips. "Hello there... my name is Isolt the Black... and you are...?"

The elf glared at her and looked as if he were about to reach his swords on his back. Isolt smiled even wider at him. "Get out of my forest, foul creatures..." He said dangerously.

"Wouldn't dream of staying here any longer than we have to, elf..." Isolt said sweetly. She walked over to the second orc and kicked him in the stomach. "Get up, you fool! Now!"

"Must leave foul forest!" said the first orc as he shook from fear.

"I do say that it rather too pretty for my health..." said Pete as he pushed his glasses up his almost nonexistent nose.

Meanwhile, Dervla and Frodo had walked into another wood. Frodo looked around him in awe. "I don't remember this place... I think we took the wrong path..."

"I know this place! It's a forest!"

"Thank you... Thank you for stating the obvious..." Frodo said flatly. "I know it's a forest, but I don't remember which one it is..."

"It's very pretty, this place..." Dervla said.

They walked along until out of nowhere, there was some shouting. Frodo heard it and Dervla started running. He followed behind her as quickly as he could. "What the hell is that!"

"It sounds like a fight!" Dervla shouted.

Suddenly, she was run into by someone much larger than she and landed on the ground. "Owie..." she whimpered.

"What the hell..." came a voice. Frodo knelt down beside Dervla to help her up. He saw the woman in front of him and Dervla. She was very tall and deathly pale with long black hair, black lips, and very large, yellow hawk like eyes. "Oh... Making new friends, Dervla, are you?" she said.

Frodo looked to Dervla and she shrugged. "No clue who she is..."

"Don't remember your DEAR sister Isolt the Black? Shame on you, Dervla..." Isolt said in a sweet voice. Too sweet.

Frodo suddenly realized that he was surrounded by three orcs pointing their cruel looking swords at him and Dervla. He gulped. "I think we're in trouble..."

"No you aren't!" came another voice.

A blonde elf swung on a vine from one tree to another. Then, he rammed into the next tree. After he slid down the trunk and sprawled on the ground, He coughed and stood up wearily. "I meant to do that..." he said.

"Legolas!" Frodo shouted. "I don't have Sting with me! Help!"

"Did someone call me?" A thin, aging man with a penchant for making bizarre songs came out of no where.

Isolt wasn't the least bit amused. She just pointed her finger at the man and zapped him from existence. "He should know better than to come on as a cameo without being in the plan..." she said, blowing the smoke from her finger.

"Don't worry! I can combat this woman!" said Dervla as she got to her feet.

Isolt laughed a horrible laugh. "OH HO HO HO HO! This pint sized pipsqueak thinks she's going to hurt me without her staff?! HO HO HO HO!"

"I may not have my staff, but I'm an ankle biter!" Then, Dervla hit the ground and gnawed on Isolt's shins.

"Off! Get this hobbit wanna be off of me!" Isolt cried as she kicked at Dervla.

"You've got to admit... she has guts..." said Legolas as he sidled up to Frodo. Frodo simply nodded.

"Fine! I see I must use force on you!" Isolt growled. Suddenly, lightning came out of no where and zapped Dervla. She jerked around for a second and dropped to the ground.

"Oh great, now I'll have to carry her!" Frodo said.

"Let's get rid of this foul witch before she zapps your ass..." Legolas said.

Legolas shot an arrow at Isolt and she flew into a tree. It took a moment to realize what had happened. Frodo saw her against the tree with he hand in front of her holding the shaft of the arrow. Then, he realized that she was holding the arrow head away from her. "I think we can deem this an oh shit moment..." Legolas gulped.

Isolt grinned evilly at them and cut the air around her with the arrow. It turned into a long black staff with a black stone on top of the cruel, sharp, knife like things protruding from the end of it.

"Now... I have my staff..." he said with a smile. "And now... I must go! Orcs! With me!"

She made a circle in the air with her staff and a circle of blue fire shimmered in the air. Isolt jumped into the ring and disappeared. The orcs followed her and disappeared as well. Then, the blue ring vanished.

"Great... now what..." said Frodo.

He knelt to Dervla and lifted her up. He threw her over his shoulder and carried her over to Legolas. "So she's one of the Istari? Rather small isn't she?" Legolas said.

"She keeps shrinking... I don't know why though... and neither does she..." Frodo said uncomfortably.

Suddenly, Dervla shrank again. She was about the size of a Barbie doll, or rather she was about three inches tall, and better proportioned than the deformed dolls themselves because she is real and Barbie isn't.

She fell into Frodo's shirt, waking up just in time to grab one of his nipples. "Ow! Ah! OW! OW!" Frodo cried.

"What's wrong... Don't prefer a woman to get in your shirt?" Legolas said with a grin.

"She's got one of nipples! OW!" Frodo grunted in pain as he glared at Legolas.

"Oh she's a kinky one, is she..." Legolas said, rather amused with the entire thing.

"You... aren't helping, Leggy!" Frodo grunted as he tried to get at Dervla.

"I'm sorry! I don't mean to hurt you! Oh! Don't grab me there!" Dervla cried from inside the shirt.

"Well, don't grab onto me like that!" Frodo grunted. "Let go of me!"

"Only if you'll pick a better place for your fingers to be, springy boy!" Dervla growled.

"A match made in heaven..." Legolas grinned as he sat down on a stump, grabbed a bowl of popcorn and watched the show with 3-D glasses on for a better effect.

A/N: Okay... another one of these things from me... I just wanted to say that Sting doesn't belong to me, even though I wish he was nicely wrapped for my stocking, and the Singing Orc Princess isn't my idea... I forgot who wrote that story, but you need to read it... It's great... Until part two!


	2. The Grand High Priestess Cometh

_**A/N: So I just asked my grandpa for the Two Towers soundtrack and the Riddlin' Kids CD. They're a local band, although my grandpa didn't listen to me when I said it was local, so he's going to look for it in Georgia. Just shows where I get my impatience from...**_

_**I'm reading Artemis Fowl and it's pretty good so far... I'll have to get one for myself one of these days. I had to filch it from my mom's room so I could read it.**_

_**Again... I took some stuff from that girl who wrote about Legolas being called a princess when he was a preteen. Mind the spiders...**_

**Lady of the Ring**  
_or_  
**A Fangirl's Romp Through  
Wonderland**

_Part Two_

After Frodo finally compromised with Dervla to get her out of his shirt, meaning that he flicked her head and knocked her out long enough to grab her and pull her out, he and Legolas walked to Legolas' palace deep inside Mirkwood forest. King Thranduil welcomed Frodo with a wide smile.

"What an interesting head decoration, dear hobbit..." Thranduil said as he pointed to a beaming Dervla who had taken to riding on either Frodo's head or shoulder.

"My name is Dervla the Red, sire..." She said as she curtsied amongst Frodo's dark curls.

"A wizard? How odd... aren't you a bit small and may I say... decidedly female?" Thranduil said with a bit of amusement.

Dervla struck an indignant pose. "I am what I am and that's all that I am!"

"I'm Popeye the sailor elf!" sang Legolas as he did a sort of jig.

"Well... you can stay in my forest until you are rested up..." Thranduil said. "Mind the rather large spiders that my dear son, here, keeps as pets..." Thranduil gave a slightly irritated side glance at Legolas.

Legolas showed Frodo and Dervla to a room that they both could stay in. Frodo didn't exactly trust Dervla to have her own room due to how small she was. Frodo made her a small bed in a drawer next to his bed.

When Frodo was dressed for bed, he helped Dervla into the drawer. She sat down on the soft pillow that she had to lay on. "Where do you think Isolt went, Frodo...?" she asked as she took off her boots.

Frodo stared hard at her. "As if I know! She may have gone straight to the ring, but I doubt it..."

Dervla took off her pants and coat. She laid them at the foot of the pillow bed. She sat back on her knees and looked up at Frodo. "She gained her staff back, but how? I asked the PTB's to give me my staff and all I got was being shrunk a bit more than I already was!"

"Maybe you will eventually gain it back when the time comes... of course I only sound this wise because the author of the story is having a profound moment which will pass in time and make me a stupid git once again... HEY!"

The author at this point in time found an escape by just deciding to let them in on a little secret.

"Hey! Why is that mirror over there glowing?" said Frodo as he got into a pair of trousers.

Dervla put on her pants and boots and jumped up onto Frodo's hand. He lifted her to his shoulder where she sat comfortably. He walked up to the mirror and stared at it. It was rippling slightly, like water.

"This has a lot of magic in it... go on and touch it, Frodo..." Dervla said into Frodo's ear.

He reached a hand forward and touched the glass. It would have been glass except it let his hand through like water. He took his hand out and looked at it. Bits of silver dripped from it.

"Go on and walk through it!" Dervla said.

Frodo walked into the mirror. He felt the watery silver envelope him and he found himself in a place where blue light rippled everywhere. "We must be in between places, Dervla..."

"Keep going... let's see where this lets out!"

Frodo walked forward and felt the silver water let go of him. He found himself on soft ground. He looked around him. There were pieces of paper strewn everywhere in the small room. To his right was a book shelf. There were many books on it. There was an entire stack of white binders as well. He looked at the titles of the books. "Backstreet Boys? Q's Guide to the Continuum? Night Bites? Harry Potter? Where are we?"

Dervla jumped onto the book shelf and walked around. "Angelic Layer... Chobits... Cardcaptor Sakura... Oh My Goddess... Wish... Real Bout Highschool... Fushigi Yugi... What's Michael... No Need For Tenchi...Lord of the Rings..." Dervla listed some of the titles she saw.

She jumped back onto Frodo's shoulder and made herself comfortable. "We seem to be in someone's room..."

"That much is obvious... but where?"

"Look!"

On their right, there was a bed on the floor with purple sheets covering it. On a wooden briefcase, there was a small computer. In a chair beside the one window, a girl was tied up. She had shoulder length blonde hair, oval glasses, pale skin and blue grey eyes. She did not look the least bit happy.

"Is it friendly?" asked Frodo timidly as he looked at the girl. She glared at him dangerously and gnawed on the cloth gag.

"Come on! Let's free her!" Dervla urged him.

Frodo walked forward and released the gag from the girl's mouth. "That's a lot better! Thanks! Now... could you untie me?" she snapped at him in irritation.

"What happened... who are you? Where are we?" Frodo said as he untied her.

"Just call me Ryoko... I am the grand high Priestess of Harry Potter Doujinshi and am a permanent lurker on all Japanese Harry Potter fansites..." Ryoko said. "Some psycho bitch with an Ayeka laugh just appeared in my room, tied me up, stole my ring and disappeared again!"

"Ring? The one ring of Stupidity and Giddiness?" Dervla prompted.

"How did you know that name... I came up with that name when I was bored and had decided to wear it to the local seven eleven when my best friend dragged me into her car." Ryoko stated.

"She has the ring... so we have to go back... but how..." Frodo said to Dervla.

"Hellooo... what are you talking about..." Ryoko said. "Remember me?"

"Maybe we can go back through the mirror..." Dervla said.

"Good idea... I'm going with you..." Ryoko said.

They walked through the mirror and appeared in the place in between again. "Wow... this is pretty..." Ryoko said in awe at the blue light ripples everywhere. "It's like being in an aquarium..."

They walked forward again and found themselves back in Frodo's room in Mirkwood palace. "Wow... talk about your classy rooms!" Ryoko said.

"We're back in Mirkwood again..." said Frodo.

Ryoko went rigid. "Mirkwood? You mean I'm in my own fricken story?"

"What are you talking about..." asked Frodo.

"Well... I just left off with Frodo and Dervla being in the mirror when the demon bitch surprised me..." Ryoko said.

"I'm Frodo... and this is Dervla..." Frodo said as he stared at Ryoko. She looked very much like a human. She was strong boned and very tall, even by human standards.

"Well... we better go find Legolas and tell him..." Dervla said.

Frodo picked up her jacket and handed it to her. He put on the rest of his clothes and all three of them walked down the many corridors until they reached Legolas' chambers.

Frodo knocked on the door and waited. The door opened and Legolas appeared. "Yes?"

"Oh my God! It's Legolas!" said Ryoko with a gasp and hearts suddenly appeared all around her. Frodo popped a few that wandered by him.

"Who are you?" Legolas said.

"Ryoko..." she said as she blushed slightly.

"Isolt has the ring! We've got to find her before she uses it!" Frodo said.

Legolas quickly grabbed his arrows and his swords. Then, he hurried the others to the stables. He got Frodo a horse and Ryoko a horse. "Do you know how to ride one of these?" he asked her.

"Of course I do!" she said indignantly. She swung herself up and sat quite comfortably in the saddle. "Though I do prefer the western saddle, myself..."

Legolas swung himself up on his horse. "So... can you tell me where this Isolt woman will be going?"

"She'll be heading toward Mordor again..." Ryoko said as if she were speaking about nothing more than the weather.

They all stared at her. "What! It's my story! I know what's going to happen!"

"If it is your story... how are you writing it...? Who's the narrater?" Legolas said as he gave her an amused smile.

"Well... I don't exactly know how I ended up in here in the first place, guy... I just know that THAT was what I was planning when I started. She has the ring now, so she'll be going to Mordor to give it to the evil Queen Chtib..." The wind suddenly picked up and blew over a small bush. "Sorry about that... you say her name, a house blows over..."

They rode through Mirkwood, toward the evil lands of Mordor. They would have a hard journey in front of them. Much to Ryoko's enjoyment.

They rode hard across the wind plains. There, on top of a hill, was the capital city of Rohan. They rode up to it's gates and through them they rode. "When I was here last... there was a charming girl by the name of Eowyn..." Legolas said as he led them to the palace.

There at the top of the staircase was a woman with long blonde curls and a hard expression. "Let me guess... the first rabid fangirl, Eowyn..." Ryoko said.

"I am not a fangirl!" Eowyn protested.

"Are too... you practically DROOLED all over Aragorn when he came here..." Ryoko snapped back.

"He's a very nice man, that's all!"

"My ass! If you lived in my world, you'd be one of those girls that stays up 'till four in the morning scanning ebay for Aragorn's UNDERWEAR!" Ryoko said. "Not that I blame you..."

"I have no clue what you are talking about..." Eowyn growled and walked back into the palace.

Legolas gave Ryoko an irritated side glance. "Great... there goes some help!"

"She's a big pain in the ass... she was in the books an... I haven't had the chance to see the Two Towers movie yet..."

They got to their horses and rode out of the city. They rode hard toward Mordor again. That was, until they got to the mountains.

"How are we going to get around these mountains and the swamps without losing time...?" Frodo said. He remembered the last time he had to go to Mordor.

"Now would be a very good time for some Fire-mares..." Ryoko said.

"Wrong movie, girl..." Dervla said. "That's Krull..."

Suddenly, a thunderous sound came out of nowhere. Frodo waited pensively as the sound drew closer. Suddenly, he could see them coming around the corner of the mountain.

"They're..." Frodo started.

"Fire-kangaroos?" Ryoko said in confusion. "Makes sense to me..." she shrugged.

"We have to pick a few of them off so we can ride them!"said Legolas cheerfully.

Meanwhile, in Mordor, Isolt and the three Orc Stooges were having trouble trying to get through the gates. "I can't remember the fricken password!" Isolt growled.

"What about Sauron the mighty!" grunted the first orc.

"Or pretty orc princess!" said the second orc.

"Maybe you could use your staff on it to get in..." Pete the orc said.

"Great... of all the companions around, I have to end up with Tweedle Dumb and Tweedle Dumber..." Isolt growled. Then, she glared over at Pete. "And Zippy the wonder orc!"

"It was merely a suggestion, you don't have to get so nasty with me..." Pete said. Isolt zapped him on his rear. "Okay! I take it back!"


	3. What Happens when characters come back

**_A/N: I just watched a bit of Inuyasha... It's great! I loved it! I love Miroku the lecherous monk. HAHAHA! Especially when he starts grabbing the girl._**

**_I just got a couple of new Ranma ½ books! There was an entire stack of these things at the local Half Price Books! I got Nine and Ten... tee hee more books for me!_**

**_By the by... I hope you forgive me my little indulgence at the end with Legolas..._**

**Lady of the Ring**  
_or_  
**A Fangirl's Romp Through  
Wonderland**

_Part Three_

After getting the fire-kangaroos to let them ride them, Frodo and Dervla had a nice small one for themselves. Ryoko and Legolas bagged two of the largest ones.

"What do these fire-kangaroos do?" Frodo asked.

"They can hop a thousand leagues in a few hours..." said Legolas.

They started riding, or that should be hopping. Th kangaroos hopped over the mountains easily enough, but soon would come up the swamps.

They started picking up speed. Frodo could smell something burning. Dervla smelt it as well. "What's that funny smell..." Dervla said as she started climbing Frodo's head in between the jerking hops.

"I don't know, Dervla... it smells like... like..." Frodo said as he sniffed the air.

"BURNING HOBBIT FOOT HAIR!" cried Dervla.

"YEOWCH! MY FEET ARE BURNING!" Frodo lift his feet away from the flames. "What the..."

"There's fire coming from the kangaroo's feet!" Dervla shouted as she gripped onto Frodo's dark curls.

"I should've warned you! The kangaroos make fire with their feet when they pick up this much speed!" said Ryoko.

"Hence the name Fire-Kangaroos!" Legolas said. Legolas' head jerked up suddenly. "Uh-oh... we're nearing the swamps!"

The kangaroos didn't stop. They leaped from rock to rock, making Frodo have some control problems as he struggled to hang onto his kangaroo's neck. Dervla was having the same problems. As small as she was, she couldn't hold onto Frodo's curls for long.

"Oh no! Help! I'm slipping!" she screeched.

She fell from Frodo's dark curls as they soared through the air. Frodo had just a glimpse of her wild red hair before he saw what had happened. Then, like a cheesy B-grade movie, the slow motion acting came in handy.

Frodo reached. His hand graced her tiny legs. Her words came to him. "Hhheeeellllllpppp mmmeeeee, Fuuurrooooddooooo..." came the slow motion sound effects as well.

Suddenly, the scene started running at normal scene and Frodo grabbed Dervla. He pulled her up as he pulled himself up just as the kangaroo landed on a rock. He breathed a sigh of relief.

"Um... Frodo...?" came Dervla's voice.

"Yeah, Dervla, what?"

"Where is you hand?"

Frodo brought his hand up and saw that he had grabbed Dervla around her torso. He could feel her squishy breasts under his first and middle fingers. She glared up at him angrily.

Frodo blushed and placed her on his head as they leaped into the air again. He grabbed onto the kangaroo tightly and winced in pain as Dervla angrily pulled out a couple of hairs.

"And you were so free when you first showed up!" Frodo growled.

"Doesn't matter!" Dervla growled.

"My personality at it's worst..." Ryoko said with an amused grin.

"You came up with that twit?" Legolas said as his kangaroo came up beside Ryoko.

"Of course! Where else could she have come out of!" Ryoko said as the floating and buzzing hearts appeared out of nowhere again. They surrounded Legolas and he had to bat a few of them away with and arrow.

"You are a very strange girl!" he cried as they cleared the swamps and started up the largest, darkest and creepiest mountain.

Isolt was having the hardest time trying to remember the password into the Mordor gates. She beat on the gates with her fists. "WAAAAHHHH!! LET ME IN! LET ME IN!!" she bawled.

"Who is queen that ring for?" asked the first orc.

"The Evil Queen Chtib!" shouted Isolt. The wind picked up suddenly and a sign blew over that said, 'Here be Mordor!'.

There was a thundering sound that was coming closer. Isolt knew what it was and she didn't waste any time. She panicked.

"EVIL QUEEN CHTIB! EVIL QUEEN CHTIB! EVIL QUEEN CHTIB!"

The thunder became a loud thumping. Soon, three kangaroos with flaming feet showed up. Suddenly, the wind picked up and became a gale. The gates blew open.

"The gates are open! She's gonna get in!" cried Ryoko.

Isolt grabbed her staff and made a rip in the air. Light poured from it and she shoved the orcs into it. Then, she threw herself in. The rip started closing up.

"Hold on! We're almost to the rip! We can make it!" shouted Frodo.

Frodo grabbed onto Dervla and jumped from his kangaroo. He soared through the air and then, he fell into the rip.

"We've got to get there!" shouted Ryoko.

"Hold on!" shouted Legolas. He grabbed Ryoko around the waist and jumped. They flew through the air. The rip was becoming slower. Then, they fell together onto cold stone floor.

The fires of Mordor were dead. Frodo shook with fear for another reason entirely. He was in a palace. In front of his was a high chair with a blackened figure in the seat. It was a woman, that much he could tell, but she looked to be nothing more than a shadow.

Dervla had slipped into Frodo's shirt again, but this time she had held onto his collar. Her arms held her aloft in the V on his shirt, against his rapidly beating heart.

Ryoko opened her eyes and took a deep breath. She was on solid ground. Her blonde hair was in her face, as usual, but she noticed much lighter hair pouring itself over her. It graced her arms. Then, she saw an arm next to one of her own. She saw an arm around her waist.

She turned and saw the beautiful face of Legolas. His dark eyebrows contrasting with his hair. His eyes were closed. Most uncharacteristic of him. "Le-legolas?" she whispered. "Legolas?"

His eyes snapped open. "Why am I on the ground? Next to you...?"

"You grabbed me, nimrod, and dragged me through the rip with you...!" She growled at him and elbowed him in the ribcage.

He grabbed her hands and brought them around her, pulling her closer to him. "Stop it!", He hissed, "Listen..."

Frodo could hear his heart beating in his ears. Isolt was standing next to the throne. She had a sickening, satisfied look on her white face. "How kind of you, Isolt... you brought visitors... and one I've been waiting to see..." said the shadow.

"What do you want, now that you have the ring...?" Frodo said.

"I don't want a piddly little shimp like you!" growled the shadow. Frodo was suddenly knocked off of his feet. Dervla fell out of his shirt and rolled onto the floor. Suddenly, she grew to her normal height.

"Although... I would like to have a nice tiff with my dear sister..." said Isolt.

"Isolt... I have SUCH a BONE to pick with you!" growled Dervla as she got to her feet. Her wild red hair swirled around her.

"GUARD THE OTHER TWO!" growled Isolt to the three orcs. They didn't do anything. They were asleep. Isolt growled and zapped them each. "WAKE UP! Go guard the other two!"

"Yes ma'am!" said orc numero uno.

"Right away!" said the second orc.

"I'm beginning to truly resent this woman..." said Pete the orc as he got his sword out.

"Do you have a sword, Priestess?" Legolas' harsh whisper came into Ryoko's ear.

"Of course not! Do I look like I could carry one on my belt!? I'm wearing a shirt and jeans!" Ryoko growled.

"Borrow one of mine... but don't use it until I give you the signal..." His whisper said. Ryoko felt the hilt of a sword fit into her upper hand.

The three orcs appeared around the two of them. Legolas still had Ryoko pressed up against him on the floor. The entire scene would have been rather lovey dovey, except there were three orc stooges about to hack away the two of them and Ryoko was about two remarks away from slicing Legolas to bits.

Ryoko's heart pounded in her ears. She closed her eyes tightly. She was trembling with fear and anxiety. Then, she felt Legolas loosen his grip on her. "Now...!" came his whisper in her ear.

She rolled away from him. She narrowly avoided one of the orcs's sword. She kicked at one orc's legs and swept him off of the ground. She had time to stand up now and slice one orc across the chest with her sword.

Legolas fought with one orc. He was used to using both swords at once, but he had to make due with just one. He saw Ryoko make her move. It came in a blinding flash of elven metal and blood. She slashed the orc across the chest. It would take more than that, though.

Dervla hit the ground at one of Isolt's blasts. Dervla had no clue as to how to combat this psychotic woman. "You took away my memory back up there... Thought that even if I was shot down here, I wouldn't remember enough to be much of a bother to you, didn't you!"

"Of course!" said Isolt as she shot another blast at Dervla. Dervla caught it in her chest. She flew backward and hit the wall.

Isolt had not noticed that Dervla had actually caught the shot. It was in her hands like the arrow was for Isolt. It suddenly morphed into a blindingly bright silver staff with a bladed head. In the center of the three blades, there was a bright crimson ball.

"But... but... That was MY lightning strike! You took my weapon!" Isolt said. Her bottom quivered like a toddler's and her large yellow eyes watered. "MEANIE! MEANIE!" she cried.

Frodo saw the staff. Suddenly, he felt a hand clamp down on his shoulder. He gazed up and saw the shadow. She was even more frightening than before.

Legolas knocked one orc out. Ryoko was busy blocking the blows with the sword in her hand. It sliced her arm. Blood streamed down through her shirt, staining it an awful color.

Legolas saw it. "Never! EVER!" He growled as he rushed the orc. He sliced the orc across his back. "Harm a lady!"

Ryoko hit the ground on her rear grasping her wound in pain. "Glad chivalry hasn't died out yet..." she grunted.

Legolas beamed at her cheerfully. "It's what I do best... though I didn't feel much like killing them..." He looked at the other orc she had struck. "And I see you didn't either."

"I've got an idea to do when I get out of here..." Ryoko said with a grin. Legolas's smile remained.

"I see that you have dealt with the orcs..." came the voice of Chtib. And then a house down in the village blew over. Sorry.

Ryoko and Legolas snapped their attention over. Dervla stopped whacking Isolt over the head with her staff and glanced over as well. Frodo was being held aloft by the shadowy figure. "FRODO!" Dervla cried.

"Aw... I see you..", Isolt paused to spit out some blood, "Have got yourself a boyfriend...but I guess size doesn't count, does it..."

Dervla glared at Isolt and whacked her over the head with her staff. "Shut it!"

"I do tire of this... Maybe I should go on and kill the runt while he's here..." said Chtib. Sorry villagers, again.

"No!" cried Ryoko.

"Yes... it is you..." the shadow said. She dropped Frodo to the ground. He coughed some as he rubbed his neck. The shadow came forward, closer to Ryoko. Legolas stepped a little closer to her side. "I have been waiting for you, dear author..."

"Who are you... I don't recall thinking up you..." Ryoko said.

"You didn't! How could you when I was created by someone else!?" The shadow growled angrily.

"Who then were you created by?"

The shadow seemed amused. "Who? Don't you recognize me, dear AUTHOR?"

"Uh No! You're nothing but a cheesy shadowy figure!" Ryoko said.

The shadow growled angrily. "THAT'S IT! I'm tired of all of this!" She grabbed the bottom of the shadow and lifted it away, like it was a garment. "THERE! SEE ME NOW!"

Ryoko gasped at the sight in front of her. It was a girl no more than the age of sixteen. She had an upturned nose and long blonde hair. Her eyes, though, made her look extremely evil. Ryoko sniffed in irritation. "I don't believe it..."

It was Pansy Parkinson. She was in her Hogwarts uniform and robes looking mightily pissed. "How dare you scoff me!" she growled.

"How dare you make a come back!"

"You ruined my life when you introduced that damned character Astra Knight!" Pansy growled. "If she hadn't shown up, I would still be with Draco!"

"And she still has the delusion..."

"My little Dracie! Oh how I wanted him since I first met him!" Pansy swooned.

Ryoko nudged Legolas, who had his bow out and an arrow in his hand. "Shoot her now so you can spare us from her swooning!"

Pansy heard her. "For taking my dear Draco from me... I'll kill you, Author!" She whipped out her wand and pointed it at Ryoko. "AVADA KEDA--"

Ryoko was much quicker. She hit Pansy in the jaw with her elbow, sending Pansy to the floor in a heap. Ryoko brushed herself off. "I may not have the same strength, but I can still kick her ass...!"

"You don't want to kill her?" Frodo asked. Dervla was beside him, brushing the dark curls from his white forehead.

Ryoko turned to Frodo with a surprised look. "Didn't your travels with the ring keep that blood lust of yours to a minimum?"

"Sorry... It's just that... when she wakes up... she'll just cause more trouble..." Frodo said.

"I don't think you'll have to worry about her...", Dervla said, "Once Ryoko is out of our world, Miss Parkinson won't be able to do anything any longer to us..."

"Correct-a-mundo, Dervla! She can't do anything except weep for her own fricken loss..." Ryoko said with a wide grin. "Draco ain't hers in my stories, nor will she ever..."

After getting out of Mordor and back to Mirkwood forest, Frodo, Dervla, Legolas, and Ryoko had to part ways. Dervla stood tall with her staff beside her looking as dangerous and lovely as she.

"Thank you, Priestess Ryoko, for your help..." Dervla said as she hugged her would-be creator.

Then, she went to Legolas. She hugged him as well. "Thank you, Legolas... for your sure arrows... and helping dear Frodo and I to get the ring back..."

"Yeah... It's going back home with me..." said Ryoko as she held up the ring on her right hand.

"What does that thing do anyway?" asked Frodo.

"This? Nothing... It's only a bauble off a Legolas bookmark that I've got. It was on the tassel and it was drivin' me nuts, so I took it off and gave it a name in my utter boredom." Ryoko said with a grin.

Dervla then turned to Frodo and shrank to his size. She smiled at him. "And you, Master Frodo... Thank you for helping in every way you could..."

"It was nothing, really..." Frodo said as he blushed slightly.

Dervla's smile grew a little wider. She leaned forward and pressed her lips to Frodo's. It startled him for a second and then, he returned the pressure. One of his hands entangled itself in her wild red hair. Then, she drew back slightly, her nose was still touching his.

Ryoko stretched with her hands behind her head. "Ah...! They do make a cute couple...! But what about you and me, Legolas... I think we could be good..."

Legolas gave her an annoyed glance. "You the secondary creator of this particular universe and I a character in a book... oh yes that goes together quite well..."

"Oh hush up.. Why don't you be a dear and kiss me... You know you want to..." Ryoko nudged Legolas in the ribs.

"I wouldn't stoop so low..."

"Come on... you know you think I'm cute!"

"I prefer orcs..."

"You think I'm a cutie, come on, admit it!"

"Male humans are cuter than you..."

Ryoko punched Legolas in the stomach. "Thanks a lot, NIMBOID!"

Legolas grabbed her fist. "That hurt!"

"Of course it did! I hit you didn't I!?"

Legolas pulled her towards him gruffly. "You are seriously getting on my nerves... The little pink hearts that I have to beat off... The drooling stares from you... I get better girls in the girls at my father's court!"

"Then, why don't you just let me go and go to them. NYAH!" Ryoko stuck her tongue out at him. She wrenched her fist from him.

Legolas and Ryoko glared at each other. Frodo, having his tension suddenly drip out of him after Dervla kissed him, shook his head at the two. "Just kiss her and get it over with, Leggy! Besides... It's not like you'll have to deal with her ever again!"

"Don't call me LEGGY!" growled Legolas.

Then, Ryoko, who had been slightly hyperventilating the entire time, decided to take action. She jumped on Legolas, wrapping her arms around his neck and kissed him on his lips. She jumped off of him. Legolas stared down at her. "Sorry... Figured that since I'm actually in this universe, I might as well have a little bit of fun, albeit a little fangirlish..."

Legolas smiled down at her. He bent down to her and pressed his lips to hers ever so lightly. He lingered for a moment and then pulled back. Ryoko, meanwhile, was drooling with hearts appearing around her. Legolas batted them away in a slightly irritated fashion. "It's been a slice..." he said to Ryoko.

Dervla sidled up to Ryoko. "Ready to go home?"

Ryoko nodded numbly. Dervla created a circle with her staff. It turned to blue fire and sparkled in the air. Ryoko walked forward into it like a zombie and disappeared.

Frodo smiled at Dervla. "Will I get the chance to see you again?"

Dervla smiled at him, having returned to her normal size during the tiff between Legolas and Ryoko. "You will..." Then, she blew him a kiss and disappeared.

Legolas sidled up to Frodo. He winked at Frodo. "So... are you making any wedding plans, little man?"

Frodo gave the beaming elf an annoyed side glance. "Get off of it, LEGGY..."

Meanwhile, in the land of Mordor, The three orcs sat around a fire, eating some roast spider. "Mmmmm... good meat..." said the first orc.

"Good..." said the second.

"I do protest the entertainment, though..." said Pete.

Isolt, who was singing into a karaoke machine and dancing a sort of jig, growled at them. "When I figure out how to get this spell off of me and I get my staff back, I'm going to do so much to you three!" she growled and pulled at the chains holding her.

"Aw... shaddap and sing, Isolt!" growled Pansy, who was also doing some singing into her own microphone.

And they all sang happily ever after... I think...

_The End_


End file.
